A Revelation (I think)

I have to give a little background info here, which frankly, I wasn't feeling like sharing because it pains me, but I'm finding it necessary to do for cathartic reasons. (My therapist is no longer on my insurance plan; I've got to get it somehow!)

At the beginning of this year, I was in quite a bad place, emotionally. There had been events with the girls' father, and then fall-out to that which was just really hard for me to bear at the time.

Bear with me, because this is a hard post for me to write. I'm still struggling with how much detailed info to give. Oh, screw it! I'm going for it.

I'd written previously about how the girls' holiday trip got canceled because of their father, and how I'd finally told the girls about their dad's drug problem. I thought we were getting through it okay, and then Sylvia had a bit of a breakdown when she returned to school.

She started seeing the school's therapist, and I went in for a session. I came back from that session, and sobbed like I've probably never sobbed before. The issue of how much we've moved since leaving my husband and coming back to L.A. came up - it was presented to me as a question about the "lack of stability." I took that very personally.

Each move was for a good reason. The first move was from my parent's house to our first apartment - a one-bedroom (all I could afford at the time). I gave them the bedroom, and slept in the living room. The second move was an upgrade into a 2-bedroom apartment. Unfortunately, I didn't learn until after the move that it meant a change in schools for the girls (stupid me, I know). The next move was this latest one to the condo for Sylvia to go to KIPP. Every move was pretty much for them, but I can also understand the comment about the instability, and it was something I had never thought of before, and I was devastated and angry at myself for never having thought of that.

This is something that goes back to my own childhood. We had our fair share of moves as well. The first couple, I either was too young to understand, or young enough to just think of it as exciting. But I very clearly remember one move absolutely devastating me as a child. I even remember (and for me to remember anything, really, is quite astonishing in itself) writing in my diary how much I hated my parents. I didn't understand it, I was an egocentric kid (aren't they all?) and I was very upset, and personally offended.

So I can see it from my children's point of view as well. And that's what hurt so much, is to know that I'd most likely hurt them in ways that I should have been well aware of, but had that grown-up mentality about - 'hey, I survived it, they can, too.'

Anyway, I worked through that about a month ago. Had a few good therapy sessions myself, Sylvia and I have really bonded lately...even to the point where she told me a few weeks ago that she's glad I'm a single mom. All was well.

And then, the condo thing happened. I don't know why it hadn't even occurred to me as a possibility, but somehow, having signed that 1-year lease, I felt protected. Which was stupid. So, yet again, I feel like an idiot for not thinking of this as a possibility, and yet again, I'm faced with having to move again.

(BTW, I have faced the reality that I'm going to have to move. In every possible outcome, I don't see it being financially viable for us to continue to live there.)

Okay, so that's all the bad news. Here's what I think may be the good news; or at least, the lessons learned.

I have been keeping this whole thing secret from my girls. I didn't want them to worry, I wanted to protect them. But here's the thing. I think this may have been where I've previously failed them. I think that I kept it all too secret from them until things were known and final. I most likely did not give them a chance to process all the information, be involved enough in the process. I made them feel like things were just happening to them.

Not this time.

I'll most likely wait until the weekend, but I think the best thing I can do differently this time than in the previous times is to be upfront early in the game. Let them know what's going on, let them see what I'm trying to do about it. The biggest concern is keeping Riley in the same school, so I've already talked to a friend about keeping an eye out for me (this is East L.A. - not going to find a lot of listings on the Internet, and you really have to drive the neighborhood in order to know whether or not it's going to be safe). Start looking now, since my needs are so specific, and let them come with me. Drive around on the weekends, and walk around. Let her know that I'm doing everything in my power to keep her world as stable as possible. And hope that something works out.

I'm hoping that the more time they have to digest everything, the more they are involved within the process, the easier it will be for them. I could be wrong...but I don't think so.

I think I've gotten through the worst of my own emotions about it now so that I can be strong enough for them; and that I could use needing to be strong for them to keep myself from wallowing in self-pity about it. We can live the KIPP motto of "when there's a problem, we find a solution." There are life lessons to be learned here about getting through it, and hopefully, coming out better for it. No, we don't always get what we want, but it doesn't mean that it has to break us. It's not about "there's a reason for everything" but that we can get through anything. [insert appropriate cliche here; yes, I'm the queen of cliches.]