Blogging Through It

The emotion, the wine, and a little whine.

So I had my meeting today with the potential buyer who was supposedly interested in the condo as an investment. I was lied to. She brought her eight (8!) closest family members to trample through the place, and then when she said she was planning to move in, I got emotional. And everyone else got uncomfortable. And at that moment, I just didn't give a damn. Still don't, really.

I gave her my proposed lease anyway. I cried and my body shook and no one wanted to see that. Well, honey, you're going to take the roof over my head, and I'm going to get a little emotional about it!

And then the realtor comes back to tell me that he'd be willing to sell it to me. Yeah, if I could afford it, I would, dude! I went through the numbers yet again yesterday, but there's just no way. It can't be done. I don't care what kind of lenders you have, there's no way that I can afford this. And then he had the audacity to say to me to not upset the children.

Don't traipse eight people through our home, tell us we can't stay there, and then say I'm the one upsetting my children!!

The only possible good to come out of it...well, two things I guess. The first is that at least I know now. The blow hit hard, but at least I know. The second good thing is that a neighbor saw what was going on, and is going to get me in touch with a woman who might be able to help me stay in the complex that would at least mean that Riley wouldn't have to change schools again.

But I'm still grieving. Because it would be nice to just once have Plan A work out, you know?

So I got emotional. And I'm still emotional. But you know what? Through it all, I'm still feeding my children, attending to their needs, and they know that I'm upset for them...as well as for me. If there are other single moms out there that could go through what I went through today with more strength than I, my hat's off to you.

As for me? Well, I can't do it. I can't be confronted with deceit and swallow it whole without choking a little. I know my kids better than any stranger who thought it was perfectly acceptable to act dishonestly!! I'm upset for the right reasons!! I'm upset by lies. Frankly, I think any other reaction from me would've taught my kids the wrong lessons.

We should be upset by dishonesty!! We should at least say our friggin' piece of mind about it! I wasn't rude, I didn't yell. I just said that I was told that they wanted it for investment purposes, and I didn't want to move. That I don't know if I could do it, go through it again. That I can't put my kids through it again. And I cried as I said it.

If that was wrong, then I don't want to be right.

And you know what else? If you're not going to help me, if you're not going to actually add value to my children's lives (or mine), then here's the thing: you don't get to tell me how to do it!! If you have nothing to add but criticism with no construction to it, then I don't care what you think! If you think I'm not doing a good job raising my children, then you are not welcome in my home...it may not be my home long, but it's my home now. And no one gets to accuse me of not doing right by my children in front of my children in my own home.

It was hard enough to find out that I was lied to. It was hard enough to know that I'm losing my home. I did not need to be told I was upsetting my children on top of it.

You know, single parents get the short end of the stick all the time. Just the other day, Liz over at A Bright Future blogged about yet another friggin' article blaming single parents...this time for costing taxpayers' money.

I do not cost the taxpayers a friggin' dime!! I lend the government money with every paycheck that they make plenty of money through interest on! I just get back the principal at tax-time. I work full-time, I pay for my daughters' after-school care, I even pay for their lunch. I pay for my health care. I'm even saving the taxpayers' money by sending Sylvia to KIPP LA Prep, a charter school that gets less funding from the state than regular schools.

Here's the funny, sad, ironic part. If I did manage to buy something, it would be through the FHA, which...guess what? Would come from federal funds!!

And yet, I'm the one upsetting my children. I'm the one costing taxpayers' money? Are you kidding me?!?

You know what else is sad/funny/tragically ironic? It's my friggin' ex-husband who is costing the taxpayers!! It's my friggin' ex-husband who lands in jail at least once a year, which is paid for through MY MONEY!!! It's my ex-husband who isn't paying the child support that would make the difference in me being able to buy something. It's my ex-husband who is living with his parents that get the majority of their income from Social Security!!

I can take a lot. I had my children, and I can take responsibility for them. I can obsess about how they're maturing, as students, as people. I can kiss their wounds, hug them every day, help them with their homework, give them their baths, wash their clothes...

I just can't do this. I just can't listen to someone accusing me of upsetting my children unnecessarily and not get upset about it.

My daughters are awesome, and that's in part, thanks to me. They were so wonderful today. They did everything I asked of them in terms of cleaning, etc. on their weekend. Sylvia showed the mob around. Yes, they weren't happy to see me upset, but as Sylvia just said, it was because I "don't deserve to be lied to." It's not because I cried.

Okay. I'm done now. For those who stuck through this major rant, thank you. It was just all I could think of to do.