Parents as People

*I just want to say a heartfelt thank you for all your amazing comments on yesterday's post. I am so glad I shared my story, and to those of you that may be struggling with sharing yours, I know that someday you'll get there. And I also want to say, I know that my story isn't the most dramatic out there, nor did I suffer nearly as much as others have. But the more of us that share, the more of us that attempt to understand, the more difference we can make. Thank you again. And now back to the regularly scheduled post...*

I've been a fan of Julianne Moore since Benny & Joon. I think she's a great actress that makes really good choices (for the most part). However, this interview in Parade - not something I generally read, but I was passing time - disturbed me on a few levels.

After stating that her children (10 and 6) have never seen her work on film, she says:

"As a rule, kids are just not very interested in what their parents do for a living," Moore says. "If I ever say to somebody, 'Quick--what's your mother's office life like?' They go, ' Duh...ahhh...hmmm...,' and they can't answer. Children are only interested in their parents as parents, and that's the way it should be."

Moore says she would be surprised if her children even watch her many films after they are grown. "I want them to be interested in their own lives and their own accomplishments," she explains. "I don't want them to be interested in mine. Mine are of no consequence to them. I am their mother. That's all I want to be to them--not some artist who discusses her work with them. I don't care if they appreciate my artistry. I just want them to appreciate my unconditional love."

First of all, let me just preface this by saying this is not a criticism of Julianne as a mother, but I think her world is a little too narrow to speak for all children and their parents.

My children were with me when I graduated college. My children were among the first to know about my promotion. My children may not understand exactly what it is I do, but they've been to work with me, can describe my workplace to you, and they understand that my work is what provides their shelter and clothing. Sylvia even understands why it's important for me to get my office that's supposed to come with my promotion. She gets that my work requires concentration and quiet that I can't always get in my cube. But I digress.

Maybe, when you have a lot more than what it takes to provide the basics, you don't know how to explain what "work" is, but I think it's part of the process of parenting for our children to know that with adulthood comes responsibilities. While not all mothers report to an office, we all have jobs and duties, and it's much easier to tell your child to do their homework when they see you doing what you have to do. As Sondheim says, "children will see and learn."

I find it more than slightly pretentious that she feels the only way she could talk to her children about what it is she does is to talk to them about her artistry. How about teaching them about discipline by them seeing her be disciplined at her profession? Even better, that pursuing your passion can sometimes pay off? She's an incredible example of someone who "made it" by doing the work, and people sitting up and taking notice.

Particularly with a child as old as age 10, while it may not be time for picking careers or even colleges, a child that age should start learning at least a little about the possibilities of careers out there, and where better to start than with their own parents?

There's also an underlying tone of condescension to those who work in offices. No, I may not have a glamorous job, but I'm damn proud of it, and of my accomplishments. I'm also proud to work with a bunch of great people that I consider friends as well as colleagues. I may not get nominated for awards for the work I do, but my girls are still respectful of my work and workplace.

I also disagree that our children should only see us as mothers. My children see me being there for my friends, answering to my bosses, laughing with my sister, relaxing with a good book. My children have seen me cry and get angry, and have moments of elation, and have moments of self-pride. Our children learn to deal with our emotions not by what we tell them, but by what we show them.

Our children should see us as people who are interested in the world around them, who take pride in our community, who volunteer to help others, who actually take a break when we need one, and accept our imperfections with grace and humor.

And I don't think it's realistic, either, to expect our children to be grateful for our unconditional love. It should be a given, and I feel for the kids who don't get that. I get frustrated just as much when my kids don't appreciate all that I do for them, but then again, it's not really their job to indulge my martyrdom. It's probably better that they don't, actually, since I find martyrdom to be really, really annoying.

I also think that she's wrong that her accomplishments are of no consequence to her kids. The people most proud of me at my college graduation were my parents and my children. My children were acutely aware of what Mommy was doing nights and weekends to lead to that moment. And I was happy to have them share in that so that they could see that hard work can lead to accomplishments. Having our children share in our accomplishments helps them shape their own dreams and goals and make it all seem possible.

Before she left for her vacation, Riley was concerned that I wouldn't have any fun while they were gone. I assured her that I would, and she was happy to hear it. I think our children can't take the pressure of feeling that our whole world revolves around them, yet my girls still know that they are the most important people in the world to me. There's a difference.

Now, again, I'm not criticizing Julianne Moore directly, and I'm sure that there was a lot to that interview that wasn't published, but the statements still bothered me. I think it just puts too much pressure on both the parents and the children to separate their lives so distinctly. And more pressure, I just don't need.