It's all about me

This will probably sound like the most self-indulgent post ever written, but I want to say it. I want to say it to the people I've met here in blogland. So if it's indulgent, so be it. And really, isn't that the purpose of a blog anyway?

I feel like I've grown into my skin, into my life, and into a person I'm okay with being.

It hit me tonight quite hard. I'm proud of me. I'm proud of how much I've changed.

I'm not really sure when exactly it started, and I know it's been an ongoing process, and will continue to be so, but right now, today, I can say that I'm on the right track.

I know it's been in the last year. Because I remember having a conversation in this apartment (the one I've lived in for a year - we didn't move this year) with my friend, K, where I was low. Way low down in the dumps. And I can remember a conversation with Kori, both of us crying on the phone around the same time.

It was during another X episode. I was so angry, and mostly at myself. That I'd given my girls this father they didn't deserve. That it was my fault and we would never escape it.

I remember telling K (and possibly even Kori too) that my life was perpetually going to suck. Oh, I knew it would have its good moments here and there, but for the most part, I was always going to have to be dealing with the consequences of my past failures.

No facts have changed from then to now. But I have accepted the responsibility.

Sylvia said something to me last night, something about her dad that I won't share here for her sake, but tonight, I realized that had she said it a year ago, I would have spent most of today crying about it.

I talked about it today. I rehashed the episode with some friends, and then I moved on, and asked about their weekend. And then I did my work. And I shared some great laughs today with RadDude. One in particular that did have me in tears, but the good kind.

And I got the girls, came home, made dinner while helping them with their homework and we all sang along with the iPod, had a lively conversation with them during dinner, did the dishes (and broke up a sibling scuttle), watched a show with Sylvia, talked to Riley about the book her teacher read them, gave them kisses and put them to bed. I watched TV, I made their lunches, got the coffee pot ready, and then checked my email.

One asked about happiness.

And I thought and wrote about it. And I said that I've never been so happy. I realized that I'm no longer letting X get to me (or the girls). I'm no longer beating myself up about it.

I realized, too, that I acknowledge every good moment. With RadDude and Nancy, after a good laugh, I take the time to say "I love us." I acknowledge our friendship and how much it means to me. I acknowledged a good moment with the girls by hugging and kissing them. I acknowledge Kori by telling her I love her every day.

Somewhere along the line, I learned to do that. I learned how to make a smile and warm feeling last just that teeny tiny bit longer. And I learned (as I'm sure you've all heard me say by now, but it bears repeating) that every feeling has a beginning, a middle, and an end. So even the bad ones aren't forever.

I still have money issues, but obsessing about them doesn't do anything. I balance my checkbook, I check my bank account balance every day or so, pay my bills on payday, and just make sure I don't overdraft.

I still have updates for the X Chronicles, but they have just somehow been woven into the fabric of our lives, accepted, and part of us.

I still have a lot to learn at work, but I love love love my job.

I still could be a better person in many, many ways, but I manage to go to bed most nights, knowing I did the best I could that day. And there's always the possibility of tomorrow.

I remember X saying to me once, when I asked him about his dreams, "I used to dream about tomorrow. Now I dream about yesterday."

For a long long time, I was dreaming about yesterday.

Now, I live for today.

As I said, self-indulgent, and pretty sappy, too, I know. Still, it's not something I ever thought before I would ever write about this life. About my life. About me and who I am today. Not perfect, not ever, but a work in progress that finally feels...well, like progress.