A post

I'd apologize for being absent so long, but most of you were probably just grateful there weren't more posts in your Reader so instead I'll say, you're welcome! Things are good, really good, and busy, really busy, and no signs of slowing anytime soon. However, I have to find a way to keep blogging as a regular part of my life, because I miss it too much!

I missed F.A.B. Friday last week because I was sick. I had a tiny lull, and lo and behold, a virus took over. If ever I needed a reason to believe that busy is the way to go...I'll probably miss it this week, too, because our weekend's already packed.

I was disappointed, but not surprised, that X missed the girls' birthdays entirely. No phone call, nothing. He finally called yesterday, but didn't remember how old the girls are now.

The girls weren't surprised, either. I think about how much they've been hurt before, and all I can do is feel grateful. That's not to say it doesn't hurt them at all, but the fact that they didn't let it ruin their birthdays is a good thing.

Truth be told, none of us will ever be over it entirely. I still have reminders of those years I lost, in saving for retirement or starting college funds for them, in therapy bills and bad credit. I know how far I've come, but the consequences can only be diminished so much. They are there, they will always be there.

I know that the girls have a lot of love and support in their lives, but they will never know what it's like to be able to rely on two parents.

I think sometimes, we (in the universal meaning) get entirely too caught up in wanting to be positive all the time, wanting to dismiss the pain. But we can't get to acceptance if we never move beyond denial. And these stages aren't linear, but a constant process.

I have been better off since I realized that I will never be over it. It feels less like a sucker punch if I don't feel like the past is coming back to haunt me. The past is part of me.


And my present is...weird. In a good way! It's a transitional time, and there are a lot of unknowns right now. We don't know yet where Sylvia will go to high school, or where Riley will go to middle school. I want to move, but don't know if we should, and/or where. I don't know yet what will nurture my soul once my leadership class is over, but I know I will have to be doing something. Once again, I'm trying to figure out who I'm going to be when I grow up!