I woke up the morning after what I'd thought was a really productive conversation with X. He acknowledged the mistakes he'd made, vowed to do better, and we were going to try and put our family back together again.
I went to the place where'd I'd hid the grocery money. X had already emptied my bank account, so I'd resorted to hiding cash around the house to cover child care, groceries, and other expenses. This time, I'd put it in a shoe.
But there was no money in there. After our so-called productive conversation, X had found it, and spent it on drugs and/or alcohol - don't know, and at that moment, I no longer cared.
After years, two daughters and one miscarriage, a wedding, several moves in a total of 4 states, I'd simply fallen out of love with X. I'd even warned him a few weeks prior that I thought this could happen. My love had been the only thing holding us together. And now it was gone.
I don't remember the exact timeline here, but it wasn't long after that when I discovered I was pregnant.
My girls were about 2 1/2 and 5 1/2 at the time. I already knew I was going to leave X, and I couldn't imagine trying to explain divorce and adoption at the same time.
I had no idea how I was going to manage. I was living across the country from my family at the time, working in the field I loved, but with a boss who threw a chair at an employee and would yell at us during staff meetings.
Now, I'm fully aware that I played a role in this, that I had responsibilities. The responsible thing to do was not bring another human into the chaos that was our lives at that moment.
Thankfully, at the time, we lived about a block away from a Planned Parenthood. The idea was that I'd go home after, but my nightmare boss made me come into work...and then later questioned my loyalty, which is when I decided to leave that job, too.
The procedure was simple enough that I could work afterwards. There was very little pain. Frankly, a lot less painful than childbirth! And a lot less expensive than raising kids.
My daughters are now 21 and 24. They're both working in fields they love, which happen to be with children.
They're both on birth control, even though only 1 has a serous relationship right now.
I'm incredibly proud of them. I'm also proud of me. I raised them. I got myself a job in a department with really good people, who supported me and cheered me on when I went back to school. I work for a boss who recognizes that people come first, and gave me promotions every time he could.
I own my own townhouse now. I'm raising two kitties now (both rescues).
Not once have I ever regretted my decision to have an abortion. And no, I don't even regret the intercourse that led to it, because at the time, I was committed to my marriage. Which he broke. I just finally put myself and my girls back together.
No one deserves my story, which is why I haven't shared it before. I'm sharing it now because this country still allows free speech. I've got to exercise any and all rights I have left!
